I have been working on my blog for three years now and the one thing I have struggle with is consistency. Over 20 post are saved in my draft. The content below has been in the draft for the past year because I’ve struggled with knowing when I’m sharing too much. I have been struggling with controlling my emotions since becoming a mother and dealing with Post Partum Depression (PPD). This blog is my passion project and I have always wanted it to be a safe place for me to bear my soul. If you are dealing with anxiety, depression, or any form of mental or emotional instability I want you to know you are not alone. I also want you to know that no one is coming to save you. You have to put in the work to heal.
I wrote the words italicized below almost a year ago. One thing I realized is that I have not done enough since I wrote those words to make sure I was in a better place. Recently a friend helped me realize that I have been looking for someone to save me, and the reality of life is that no one is coming. Yes, people can help you along the way and you should have a support system, but at the end of the day you put yourself in a better position by working on YOU daily.
When I was recently asked why I needed to go to therapy, resentment was one of the first words that came to mind. Now that I’m thinking more clearly I can better articulate what caused some of the anxiety attacks, pain in my chest, heart palpitations and ultimately what added to the negative space I was in. I’m still grasping for all the right words and all the emotions I felt but let’s start with resentment.
I resented a few people and held hate in my heart. I’m not exactly sure at what point I got there but once I arrived I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I didn’t come to terms with any of my feelings prior to Scarlett’s birth. Therefore, when she got here and my hormones were fluctuating and those negative feelings and intrusive thoughts came back I struggled. It happened for me around the six or seven month mark. I can remember because that’s also when my hair started falling out. I felt alone. I was angry at the world, and uninterested in work.
I edited some of the post as to not over share, but almost a year later I’m in the same place. In many ways I know I am doing a lot better. I have come to terms with a lot of things, but I have not done the work I needed to do daily to really pull myself out of a negative mindset. My biggest take away is that instead of dealing with these emotions and coming to terms with them I looked for other outlets to mask what I was feeling. I’ve wanted someone to come into my life and make me happy. I have been waiting on someone to come in and fix me and everything going on around me. Writing it down and saying it out loud really makes it sound foolish, but that is where I was at for a long time. Putting your happiness into someone else and giving someone that much control over your life is only going to lead to pain and heartbreak. Friends, family, a partner can only do so much. A lot of times people don’t truly understand what you are going through and don’t know how to help. If you’ve been like me please stop looking for someone to save you. Your life is not a Hallmark Movie Special. Develop good habits; mediated, do yoga, exercise, work on your relationship with God, work on your relationship with yourself, watch how you talk to yourself. Your mindset and inner thoughts affect your day to day emotions.
I’d like to end this post by sharing two of my favorite Bible verses:
Matthew 6:25-34: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by pray and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.